I understand from the reading that I can’t change others. I recognise I often feel that I get resentful, angry and frustrated and used to believe this was the result of others behaviour particularly with my husband. I understand I need to change my beliefs/ thoughts about the situation to feel better and that he is not causing me to feel sad etc. The reality is I have a husband.
However, what would you recommend if I am in a situation where I don’t believe that I am being treated fairly. I have tried recently to request help with family practicalities and I am met with very unkind comments e.g. ‘you do nothing’ ‘wow you cooked dinner’ ‘you have no brain’ ‘all you do is spend money’ ‘you are so negative you are just like your mother’ I am dismissed frequently.
I do not feel the way I am treated is good especially in front of my children, I would not want them to be in a relationship like this.
I am a bit stuck with where to go here….
How can you begin to have a conversation about home, division of tasks, being present with children and about things????
I hope this makes sense?
Thoughts, feelings, beliefs
So your reality is you have a husband and he is who he is right now. Rather than trying to change how you feel you first need to allow yourself to feel frustrated/hurt/hard done by and NOT react or try and push away the feeling. Notice how you are feeling and identify the thoughts you have that cause these feelings. You know intellectually that what your husband says does not cause you to feel anything – you know that it is not your husbands job to make you feel happy/loved/appreciated – but you still think he should.
As long as you expect him to make you feel a certian way, as long as you expect him to be other than who he is, you will feel pain.
He makes comments that are curt, rude and scacastic. That is what he does somethimes.
What if you are responsible for how you feel, what if you make yourself happy? What then?
When it comes to discussing roles at home you first need to get to a place where you understand that what he does is neutral, you cant control him, you cant make him be present with the children or do anything he doesn’t want to…then you can decide what boundaries you want to set, what you will do, not what HE will do.
Do you want to feel love toward him as he is?
How do you want your marriage to be, with him as he is?
Who do you want to be in your marriage?
I suggest you get very clear on who you want to be, how you want to show up and do that no matter what. I also suggest you make yourself a priority, you are responsible for how you feel, give yourself what you need to be happy – then in that place, have a conversation.
He gets to husband, parent and be who he wants to be. You get to do the same. It is an option for you to decide to love him, without changing him. From that place you can stay, you can leave, you can set bourndaries and make requests (knowing that he is not required to abide by any of them unless he wants to). That is a place where you are clean, clear and strong. It is a place where all to often my clients see their marriages change dramatically. I certainly did in my marriage (I will share more about this on next weeks call).
Making a decision from a place of victimhood, resentment and frustration is never clear, clean or strong, it is based in fear and resentment and a belief that someone else is responsible for how you feel.
You understand the theory, just dont try and jump to pretending to feel better, allow yourself to feel the pain without reacting, identify the thoughts you have about your reality, write them down, ask yourself who you would be without those thoughts and if you want to keep them, post back here.