I asked the question about drawing the line and blaming others 🙂
Having done the work in the course so far I can identify that it is my relationships (almost all of them!! Intimate, friends, family) that I am really struggling to take responsibility for.
Each day I am taking responsibility for health, well being, my career, finances etc but it is my relationships that are and have been an issue for me. I have a history of ‘cutting people off’ when things get too hard which has caused myself and others hurt. I’m hoping some live coaching around ‘drawing the line / blaming others’ question will help me with this.
Thank you x
January Coaching Call: drawing the line and blaming others.
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On the call we coached on the specific issue of your Dad – but I wanted to post more generally here for everyone who didn’t get to come to the call.
This is such a good question.
So relevant for so many of us.
We all have been, many times over, the blamer.
Excuse our emotions based on other people behaviour or on external circumstances.
It can feel very warranted, necessary and important.
Esp if you identify as a strong personality.
” I dont want to be a doormat!”
” I have to stand up for myself”
“I have to pick the fights worth fighting.”
Why do you have to pick your fights?
Why do you have to stand up for yourself?
Every fight we pick.
Every time we ‘stand up for ourselves’.
Tends to be for one purpose….to try and change the other person so we can feel better.
They don’t make us feel anything – we do that to ourselves.
And – they don’t tend to change.
I am not saying don’t fight injustice or try and create change in the world.
What I do suggest is that if you are going to go out there and try and change anything – its best to do it from a clean thinking space – one where you can manage your emotions and how you show up.
For most of us – this issue is most relevant to our everyday lives.
Many of us feel resistance to the idea of letting other people BE and not reacting.
Feels counter intititute – feels like you need to respond
This is because it is your automatic response.
We resisters and racers have created neural pathways – habits of responding – there is a trigger and bam we respond.
What if you just let things Be and focused on what you can control?
Practicing this is important – it takes time to learn a new way of responding.
Here is why I think you should invest the time in this.
We tend to think other people are not good enough.
They are not enough as they are.
They should be different.
Be engaged parents
All of these ‘ideas’ and stories – fictions.
And telling people we think they are not good enough.
Blaming them for how we feel.
Makes us feel horrible.
Tends to damage relationships.
Rarely leads to constructive conversations and good outcomes.
So what we are left with? What is true?
People are who they are.
They don’t cause us to feel anything.
We are responsible for our own happiness.
In that clean space.
Where you take 100% responsibility.
That is where you decide.
‘How do I want to be spending my time?’
‘Do I want to spend time with them right now at this point in my life?’
‘Do I chose to engage with them in that conversation?’
‘Do I want to continue this relationship?’
‘How do I want to show up in this relationship?’
‘Do I want to be in business with them?’
The choice becomes ours – we own it – it is based on what we want, who we are, what we desire.
Not on an idea that they will make us happy or that they will be like us.
When I quit drinking this was a big issue for me.
Same as when I left legal practice.
Relationships that had been solely based around drinking and talking ‘shop’ completed themselves.
Because there was nothing more to them.
They were not to blame for this – I was. I changed – I changed what I wanted, what was important, the scenery and circumstances.
And that was Ok.
We tend to think that relationships should not end.
Why should relationships last forever?
Do you believe they should?
Is this realistic?
This idea that relationshios should last foever and be roses and unicorns…and they are NOT.
So we then blame them for not making us happy.
For making things hard.
We expect them to fake it / pretend / be someone they are not…so we can feel we have strong relationships (but in truth they are based on pretence and lies).
Totally dilluding ourselves!
People are who they are
I can not control them
I can chose to love them – because love feels good for me!
Feeling frustration toward someone…who does that harm? YOU
Swallow poison expecting them to change – but it just makes us feel terrible.
We let others Be
We chose to love
You can feel love and accepting of someone and tell them you no longer want them in your life or you can set boundaries around the relationship – we tend to make better decisions when we do it from a neutral or positive emotion rather than a negative, hot, firing one!
Drawing the line – letting them go – is a separate issue:
Has the friendship completed itself?
How do you want the relationship to be?
Do you want to spend time with them?
These are hard to answer – its often easier to blame, have a ‘reason’ to hate or dislike…
Its real adult stuff to say – I was wrong or I have changed my mind or I have changed – I love you, no. I love you, goodbye.
We have a whole month on relationships coming up – it is sooo good! I do this work myself every year (sometimes more than once) and it always uncovers more.