Hi Laura. This is a hard question for me to ask. I have not spoken to anyone about this – not even my best mates.
My wife and I have not had sex in over 3 years.
We have 3 kids. During her first pregnancy she was not interested in sex and I understood that. Then there was a year of breastfeeding, I’m too tired, I dont feel good in my body, I have no sex drive. This has continued. I am confident she isn’t seeing anyone else, nor am i. I love my wife and respect her but I feel this lack of intimacy and when honest with myself, it is something I want in my marriage and am concerned about this continuing. I find that I am watching more and more porn, drinking more and spending more time with mates and avoiding spending time with her because I feel a lack of connection. We are in many ways 2 roommates raising 3 kids. I know that this can be a stage, having young kids and lack if sleep is not easy. I want to get to a place where I feel at peace rather than this place of fear something is wrong, worry about the future and feeling isolated in my marriage. She does not want to have sex with me, that is my reality, I just dont know what to do with this reality that will make me feel better about it…. Thank you for your time and loving this work – more men need to get onboard so I feel confident to come to a live call!!
OK. Here I go….Sex (the absence of it)
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See how you write, ‘she does not want to have sex with me, that is my reality.’
I know we can argue on this but hear me out here.
What if what you think is your reality is actually a thought?
She won’t have sex with me – if this is an absolute truth – then there is nowhere to go, you give up.
If it is a thought, you have the option of thinking something more useful.
‘We can work this out.’
‘There is a solution to this situation that will allow us to reconnect.’
‘This doesn’t have to be easy, I can talk to her about this.’
What are you scared of? Avoiding her and drinking, porn, going to see mates is a way to avoid, to check out.
What if you stopped over drinking, porning and avoiding and faced this.
What if there was a solution?
When you decide to think that there is a solution to all problems – you will see what the options are, what you can try.
Be willing to get it wrong, be willing to take a look, be willing to feel uncomfortable and be open to there being a solution you have not found to date.
I would love to have more guys join YLD! Maybe you should be talking more with the boys about this work ; )
xx L