So I am doing this work with my husband this month – he wanted to know what I was doing in January and did some of the workbooks and has joined me for February (I know he should pay for an enrolment and have been feeling guilt about this, he will enrol for March I am sure, I have him hooked).
Doing the vision for 2018 (we may have gone ahead – and what has come up is that his main focus is career and mine is the children. This sounds good. but I have realised I am disappointed and…angry about this.
My husband was married prior to me and has 3 adult children from that marriage. He is approaching 60 and when we married 10 years ago he said he would likely retire at 55…he is still dedicated to his work. We have 2 young children aged 8 and 5. He was mostly absent for his elder children childhoods working hard to establish himself in his legal career. Today he is very well regarded, we dont need the money at all and I feel angry that he has decided to work over spending more time with us at home, travelling, at school sports, being around for the girls given he does not have to work and he can do it.
I feel like our visions for the future are not compatible – I know I am being dramatic, but I just dont see him retiring despite him saying he would at 55, he avoids any firm commitment on this today – very lawyer of him haha.
I appreciate your thoughts are. Thank you
Dont feel guilty – I am so glad he is doing this work with you!
Here is the deal.
Right now, he wants to work and he wants to grow in his career further.
He does not want to retire at this moment. That may change, but for the time being this is your reality.
You get to decide how you think and feel about this.
You dont get to change him.
I know that if you were in charge he would do pick ups at school, coach the sports team and go on more holidays.
I really do understand this desire that you have for your husband to be a different father.
But he is the exact father he needs to be for your daughters, I know this, because he is.
You think that he shouldn’t work as much because he does not have to financially.
What you are missing is that he wants to work because of how he thinks and feels about his work. His reasons are beyond money.
You feel angry and disappointed because you are making this mean he puts work above family. We tend to do this – put work and family at odds with each other – the whole work / life balance bull shit perpetuates this idea.
What if they are not in competition with each other (work and family) what if they occupy their own individual lanes? Can they co exist along side each other? Can they sit side by side?
Perhaps his work makes him the best father he can be?
You get to make his vision for 2018 mean whatever you like.
Right now you are making it mean work comes first, he is an absent father, he does not want to spend more time with us.
Do you want to be thinking this way?
Is it true?
Can you be sure it is true?
What are you failing to see?
What if you let go of the need for a firm commitment on when he will retire and just let him be who he is?
Who do you want to be?
You have got this.
You dont need him to be anyone other than who he is to be happy, your happiness is your responsibility and that is the best news ever – because you have total control there xx