I have been totally disconnected from my dad for a few years now – i went away to study and he seemed to change – or i changed – perhaps we both did.
We were close, talked a lot, i felt he understood me.
Now when i go home to visit him there is nothing to talk about – he takes no interest in my life, my husband or kids.
When we do end up communicating it is almost like we are competing – who is the smartest, who can tease the most…its quite embarrassing come to think of it
He has aged
I notice that he is sometimes racist, rude, sexist
He never was like this when i was young
It is like as he gets older he is becoming more conservative and closed minded
This pushes my buttons
This months work has made me realise i need to let him be who is he and manage myself
This is SO hard though when he makes comments that 99% of the population would agree are offensive.
How do i control this?
Shouldn’t i speak up when someone is rascist? Sexist?
Shouldn’t i speak up when someone is racist? Sexist?
This is such a good question!!
Well…I do.
But i dont expect the person who made the racist or sexist comment to agree with me, change their mind, tell me i am right, tell me i am brilliant, apologies…or do anything that makes me ‘win’.
Speaking up against things that we feel are important is something most of us feel drawn to
Injustice
Unfairness
Violence
Sexism
Racism
But if we do this with hate, disgust, teasing – we add to the suffering in the world, not take away from it.
You have an opinion
You can voice it
Your dad can chose to tell you to get stuffed
You have to decide
Do you want to continue to push him away by speaking up in this situation?
What is more important in this situation – voicing your opinion or your connection with your dad?
You dont agree with him
You dont have to tease him, fight, lock horns
You could change the subject
You could tell him his point is interesting and move on
You could set boundaries – saying that if he makes comments you feel are racist or sexist you will leave
People who think racist things, sexist things, hurtful things – and say and do them – exist
They always have
They always will
You get to decide if you engage, how you engage and how you want to think about it
You could love your dad
Let him be who he is
And just have kindness and compassion (not pity) for him
He is who he is
How interesting that he thinks this way.