I started YLD in February as I was ready for some personal and professional development that reached beyond January / New Years Eve resolutions, feel good quotes on social media and the generic professional development my organisation provides to the executive that looks at how we work in isolation to the rest of our lives (so has very little impact!). I absolutely love this program and just wish organisations like mine supported staff in part of full to do this kind of work over the ‘workshops’ they run a few times a year that are more feel good than applicatble tools and strategies.
Ok to my point.
I didnt realise until starting this program and really looking at how I live my life that my drinking is something I need to focus on. I am not an alcoholic, I have a senior position in my organisation, work to a high standard and have good overall health. BUT I over drink, often. It is to avoid or numb stress, to socialise, to check out.
This month I have decided to focus on drinking. I have committed to no drinking at all and to noticing my thoughts everyday about this and writing them down in the daily reflection journal you suggested.
I have realised (I suspected this for a long time) that my marriage is largely connected by a few wines. We both work full time, the working week we are ‘ships in the night’ with our own roles, kids stuff etc. and on weekends for now over 15 years we have connected over wine, cheese, more wine.
My not drinking had me last weekend watching my husband drink quite a bit over the weekend thinking judgemental thoughts about him, feeling frustrated, bored, disconnected.
This is not what I imagined! I wanted to feel healthy, bright, engaged!
I am well rested, I am sleeping better, feeling lighter, clearer mind.
But I feel a bit lost in my marriage.
How do we connect on weekends when he is drinking and I am not?
This feels like total new territory and I am not sure who I am in this space.
We imagine it will be all rainbows and unicorns…it never is.
The connecting with partner issue is something I know well. What you are feeling makes total sense. Your relationship has a way of being, a habit that is familiar and safe. You have to now create a new way of being, a new way to connect.
All those weekends drinking – were you connecting? Really? Did the booze make the weekends better? Or just appear that way?
How can you create a new way to connect?
Think quality not quantity of time (we can sit for hours and hours drinking wine, feeling like we are connecting with others, but really we are just repeating ourselves ;))
This discomfort is normal – it is part of the process of change – you are working out new territory and who you are in this space is not who you were last month – and that is OK. We are meant to change.
xx
ps. I am with you on the Friday workshops loosing all value and application way too fast, they work for some, but my experience is that without ongoing accountability were are back to square one by Monday morning. Thank you for showing up and doing this work!
pps. remember the new way to connect…does not require your partner to stop drinking. Let him manage his own life, you take care of yours ; )