I have a question about my relationship with my adult daughter.
She is in a relationship with a man who my husband and I do not approve of.
We have not said this to her and pretend that its all ok.
But between us we feel he is not the right fit.
I know i know this is not my business. I need to get into my own.
But here is the catch.
They often come over to our house and it causes us so much angst.
He is, without going into detail, rude, racist, bigoted, misogynistic and aggressive. I am quite confident he sells drugs or is in some sort of bike gang.
We dont want him in the house.
But we dont want to loose our daughter.
But we just can not have him in the house anymore. It’s not good for us and certainly not when the grandkids are here too.
Any advice?
You know how to handle this.
You tell her you love her, you respect her choices, but you are not willing to have him in the home.
You tell her she is always welcome, that you are not pushing her away, that is not your intention, but you feel his presence is not something you can have in your home.
If she withdraws from you, that is her choice.
BUT before you do this.
Write down the facts.
Not your feelings.
The facts.
About him, in the home, the relationship.
Really look at those facts and decide if you want to do this.
This removes all the judgement, the build up of negative feelings about him.
That way you make a decision based on facts and how you WANT to feel, not how you reactivity feel.
To me it sounds like your facts may convince you to go ahead.
So you tell her
You love her.
Your door is open to her.
He is not welcome anymore.
What you want is a way to make her see your judgement and leave him.
That is a very dangerous path that you best not walk.