What is the best way to end a friendship that you know is no longer good for you? I’m really struggling with this at the moment. Is it about honesty and telling them why, or can you gently avoid contact? Although that is difficult to do too… Any advice appreciated!
It is 100% about honest – with yourself more than anything else
The idea of ‘being honest’ is an interesting one – yes if someone asks you directly a question, I say, be honest.
But does honesty require us to provide information and details that are not actually asked for by others?
The “I was just being honest” excuse can hide behaviours that are actually hurtful and totally unnecessary.
Do you have to have a direct conversation or if you let things just flow naturally, being 100% honest with yourself and not forcing yourself to do things that dont align with who you are and what you want, would the friendship naturally complete itself?
Your question is a very good one. One I am asked variations of often.
This work tends to bring this up a lot.
It’s something I have certainly struggled with myself.
Here is what I know:
Not all relationships are forever, the idea that they are meant to be is a false belief.
We have this idea that we are friends with people for life, but this just isn’t true
We have work mates who when we move jobs we no longer see, because the friendship didnt have any way to progress, it completed itself
We have friendships in seasons of life, they bloom at times when we connect often when we share something in common (motherhood, new career, new job, marriage challenges, teenagers etc) then as we move into new stages of life, grow, evolve, we can grow side by side or apart.
It’s all good.
None of it has to be nasty or unkind.
The issue is often fear of rejection. Of being rejected or of rejecting others.
When we set boundaries, grow and evolve personally and professionally or when we pull back from a friendship or relationship we risk rejection and this scares us to pieces – because we are programmed to seek approval of everyone.
This is another belief we have to really look at – the idea that everyone should approve of and like us…this is a belief that sounds good, but is actually very very limiting and if we live this way we will never grow into our fullest potential and possibility. Because not everyone likes us, and that is OK! We are not everyone’s flavour of ice cream, you dont have time to be everyone’s friend anyway.
As we grow, evolve and change some people won’t like it, they want us to be who we once told them we are, its not their fault, we are the ones who have changed.
Also as we grow, evolve and change, there will be some people who we just dont feel like we fit with anymore. We can drag them along (this is not very kind in the long run) or we can let them go with love and leave them to walk their own path that is different to ours (this is the kind option, but it’s not easy).
Now with this friend if you have been pretending to be someone you are not for a while now, if you haven’t been telling the truth about who you are, what you want, how you feel, then letting the friendship end is going to be more challenging because this person has no idea who you really are.
The choice you have is to people please/pretend or choose truth.
One is easy, one is hard.
One is a life of pretence and limits, one is authentic and evolving and open.
I encourage you to choose TRUTH and be willing to do the hard work.
You can love them and let them go.
You dont have to DELETE them from your life, but you can let it flow.
What that looks like for me is to let it flow and act with authenticity and kindness.
That means I do decline the invite.
I do say No.
I do explain myself if they ask.
But I love them when I do it.
I know that I am setting them free, not dragging them along.
And if there needs to be a difficult conversation I decide it wont be difficult, and I just have it, with love, kindness and total honesty.
I suggest you get very clear about who you want to be (honest? Kind? Authentic? Warm? Calm?) and how you want to feel (loving, strong, free, non-attached??) and how you want to think (you get the drift) ahead of any conversation, if you proceed with your values held strong and your mindset clean you will show up as the person you want to be.
You have to be willing to feel rejected.
This feeling wont kill you, it will set you free.
Xx