So much negativity and aggression is underlying the internal questions I ask of everything and everyone. I knew it, but reading this months work, it is very very obvious and to be honest I feel ashamed. I have noticed today (after reading then learning and reflection work last night) that pretty much from the moment I wake to right now sitting at the laptop while the kids jump on the trampoline, I have an internal dialogue that is aggressive and/or based in feeling like a victim.
Today was a sunny day, a glorious day, and myself and the kids went to the park, the shops, to get hair cuts, and played in the yard…sounds nice. But my mind was pretty much:
God its too hot, I already want winter back (nb. All winter I winge for summer)
This park is gross, this is boring, can the kids hurry up, I hate pushing him on this swing, lets get out of here already!
What a sulky shit (toward the check out guy who probably thought the same of me!)
Will they just shut up and get their hair cut.
Get in the car now and shut up (I said this out loud).
Even now, my kids and husband are in the back yard playing and I feel I should be thinking, how lucky I am…But instead I am wishing the hour hurry’s up so they can get to bed.
Who is this horrible person? How do I get rid of her. I honestly can not remember the last time I had a whole day of feeling positive about my life. Every day there are these negative, winging questions I run in my head and sometimes out aloud that are not who I want to be. Help!