So much negativity and aggression is underlying the internal questions I ask of everything and everyone. I knew it, but reading this months work, it is very very obvious and to be honest I feel ashamed. I have noticed today (after reading then learning and reflection work last night) that pretty much from the moment I wake to right now sitting at the laptop while the kids jump on the trampoline, I have an internal dialogue that is aggressive and/or based in feeling like a victim.
Today was a sunny day, a glorious day, and myself and the kids went to the park, the shops, to get hair cuts, and played in the yard…sounds nice. But my mind was pretty much:
God its too hot, I already want winter back (nb. All winter I winge for summer)
This park is gross, this is boring, can the kids hurry up, I hate pushing him on this swing, lets get out of here already!
What a sulky shit (toward the check out guy who probably thought the same of me!)
Will they just shut up and get their hair cut.
Get in the car now and shut up (I said this out loud).
Even now, my kids and husband are in the back yard playing and I feel I should be thinking, how lucky I am…But instead I am wishing the hour hurry’s up so they can get to bed.
Who is this horrible person? How do I get rid of her. I honestly can not remember the last time I had a whole day of feeling positive about my life. Every day there are these negative, winging questions I run in my head and sometimes out aloud that are not who I want to be. Help!
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It can be confronting when we notice the internal dialogue.
But that is half the work and it is something many people are too afraid to even take a look at. So please my friend, know you are NOT a horrible person, the simple fact that you are showing up and taking a look inside means you are a warrior.
What happens when we look at our ‘crazy’ bits and feel shame, disgust and sadness? When we hate on ourselves?
We layer more negative emotion onto of ourselves and this NEVER helps.
Look, with compassion and kindness.
It is school holidays and a lot of this is hard, I am doing the best I can and I am learning how to do better.
It is school holidays and I am not perfect, sometimes I get shitty, impatient and think and say things that I dont mean, that is OK, I am a human being, I am focused on learning how to think and speak in ways that are more aligned with who I want to be.
Then write down. How do you want to feel toward your kids and family and this time?
How do you want to think about your kids and family and this time?
How can you remind yourself of this intention?
Take time each evening to reflect, where did you show up as your best self, where did you fall short, what did you learn, what is your aspiration for the next day.
If you do this work you WILL change your life.
No shame, no nastiness toward yourself please. You are the perfect wife and mother for your family, take a look, be kind, learn and move on.
xxx
First of all my friend,